Q. What makes you tick?
A. Really? You start the interview with a question like that?
Q. What’s the matter with that question?
A. It’s just sort of a shallow cliche, don’t you think? What makes me tick? What the hell does that mean? Are you asking me about my interests? My internal biorhythms? Can you be any more specific?
Q. What’s your favorite thing about your line of work?
A. Ok, that’s better.
Q. Glad to have pleased you.
A. Hey, easy with the tone. I know that tone.
Q. What tone?
A. There was some tone there. You threw out a tone, and I’m not having it.
Q. Just asked a question.
A. Then you made a snide comment.
Q. An observation.
A. You always do that. You say these slightly sarcastic remarks that are meant to injure.
Q. Injure?
A. Yeah, not a bad injury, but a small one, like a torn cuticle. Those hurt like hell.
Q. So that’s what I am to you? A torn cuticle?
A. When you say those little sarcastic comments…yes.
Q. I’m sorry to have injured you.
A. There it is again.
Q. Now you’re being ridiculous.
A. Am I? Can you just stop the mini-sarcasm? Please.
Q. Ok. If it bothers you that much.
A. There it is again. Are you joking?
Q. Ok, I’ll stop.
A. For real?
Q. Yes.
A. Really?
Q. Yes.
A. Alright, thank you.
Q. Not a problem.
A. What?
Q. I said not a problem.
A. So you had a problem?
Q. No, I said not a problem.
A. By saying not a problem, you’re inferring that you had a problem.
Q. Ok, now listen…
A. No, you listen. The saying “not a problem” really means “I took what you said under consideration, and while I could’ve made this a problem, I just decided to let it go this time. So what was possibly a problem, is now…not a problem any longer.”
Q. I apologize. I will speak straightforward with no ulterior motives or references from now on.
A. That sounded a little sarcastic, but I’m not sure.
Q. Can we just get on with the interview?
A. Yes. Of course.
Q. Are you ready?
A. Yes. Let’s do this.
Q. So, tell me, what makes you tick?
A. You f-ing asshole!