FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE:
In an unprecedented move among sole proprietorships, Fulford Creative is announcing it has locked out its only employee, Pete Fulford. Fulford Creative, a creative copywriting and scriptwriting business based in Portland, OR, has worked with a collective bargaining agreement between Owner Pete Fulford and Employee Pete Fulford since the company’s inception in 2004. But that agreement expired at 5:00pm on June 30, 2011. The lockout will commence at 4:00pm on Friday, July 1, 2011, the beginning of the July 4th holiday weekend.
In a statement, Owner Pete Fulford said: “We apologize in advance to our partners and clients, but there will be no business being conducted over the holiday weekend. Any issues regarding projects will be taken up once the lockout is lifted.”
Despite a three-hour closed door meeting on Thursday held in the upstairs bathroom of the Fulford Estate, the final proposal from Employee Pete Fulford was met with a roll of toilet paper thrown in his face. Employee Pete Fulford said in a statement: “The whole thing stunk from the start. I mean bad. There was no interest in making a deal. He was obviously taking care of some other business in there.” Owner Pete Fulford commented: “I’ll admit, some bombs were dropped. Tempers flared, and it was obvious no deal was going to happen.”
Owner Pete Fulford admits the owners of the National Football League and the National Basketball Association, in which players from both leagues are currently locked out, inspired him. “Needless to say we’re disappointed that this is where we find ourselves,” Owner Pete Fulford said. “But he’s sadly mistaken if he thinks he’s getting another penny out of me.”
At issue is the ownership’s reluctance to provide additional monetary funds into the Fulford Creative Employee Spending Account. Ownership cites other accounts that take priority – the Tax Savings Account, the 529 College Savings Account, the SEP IRA Savings Account, as well as the Rainy Day Fund, among others. Employee Pete Fulford contends he doesn’t receive enough funds to live on. “By the time any money gets to me, it’s chicken scraps. Just the dark meat. I hate the dark meat, unless it’s hidden in an enchilada or something. Then I can’t tell what it is. I just eat it and it’s usually delicious. But we’re not here to talk about enchiladas; we’re talking about moolah-chiladas. I put in a lot of hard work for this company. I deserve some white meat. And by white meat I mean mo money.”
Employee Pete Fulford says he intends to do nothing but drink beer, visit with friends, shoot bottle rockets from a Wiffle Ball bat, and watch fireworks throughout the holiday weekend. Owner Pete Fulford admits he will be doing the same thing. Both concur that negotiations will proceed over the next several days, in between social engagements, and that an agreement will most likely occur prior to the start of business on Tuesday morning.
